Joke (Adult Content)

[blackadder]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

[johnnywarren]

Rooney & Ronaldo Joke

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing England football shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harthingy into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen saw that the three men were Beckham, Rooney & Crouch and went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

[LeedsMariner#4]

[Andy]

Both good!

[LeedsMariner#4]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a
couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing
all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering
the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more
than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his
wife's condition.
THe doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife
has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her
care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died an
hour ago. What'd you shoot?

[LeedsMariner#4]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? Been in the business 60
years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 8 years
old."

The salesman shook his head , "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."

New suit - £400

New shirt - £36

New underwear - £6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS..

[Andy]

That second one was great! ;D

[Andy]

Fast forward to 2007 - it is just before Mariners v Jets at the start of the new A-league season.Hutch goes into the Mariners changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Newcastle. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Hutch looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Hutch goes out to play Newcastle by himself and the rest of the Central Coast team go off for a few beers.

After a few beers they wonder how the game is going, so they get the barmen to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Mariners 1 - Newcastle 0 (Hutchinson 10minutes)". He is beating Newcastle all by himself!

Anyway, a few beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Central Coast 1 (Hutchinson 10 minutes) - Newcastle 1 (Coveny 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against the jets!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be stupid, you got a draw against Newcastle, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[johnnywarren]

On a rare day off, Gerard Houllier was cleaning out his cellar when he came across an old vase. Thinking it was valuable he rubbed it to clean off the dust. To his surprise out popped a Genie who said, "Oh master, I grant you one wish."

Rather surprised, Houllier thought for a while before replying, "Hhmmm… I know! Since I like going to France to find young players I would like you to build a bridge from Liverpool to France since I don’t like flying and the trains are unreliable - this way I could drive."

"Oh no master," responded the Genie, "that is an impossible request, it would take the will of a thousand genies to grant you that wish - you must choose a task I can grant you."

Houllier mumbled under his breath for a bit before saying, "I have a player in my team who should score more goals, can you make Heskey into a 20 goals a season player?"

To which the Genie replied, "OK, what colour lights do you want on your bridge."

[johnnywarren]

THE MANU MATHS CLASS

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?

5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?

9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)

10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).

11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.

[johnnywarren]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[LeedsMariner#4]

Love the heskey one

[johnnywarren]

A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan

The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."

[johnnywarren]

Why Football Grounds Are Like Women

1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play

2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald

3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner

5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground

6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited

8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back

11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches

15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should

18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week

21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf

23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player

[LeedsMariner#4]

Baby balloon tries to sneak into mummy and daddy ballons bed.

not enough room for all 3 so he lets a little bit of air out of mummy and daddy balloon and a little bit of air out of himself.

still not enough room so he lets alittle more air out of himself.

Next morning daddy ballon says crossly " Im disappointed with you son,you let me down, you let your mother down but most of all you let yourself down..."

[LeedsMariner#4]

Bill works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bill! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bill. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bill's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bill tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bill, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[johnnywarren]

lol. very good dave

[johnnywarren]

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child.

In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"

"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"

"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your Father?"

"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"

"I'd like to live with the Newcastle Jets Football Club" the boy replied quickly.

"Why on earth would you want to live with the Newcastle Jets Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"

[LeedsMariner#4]

[Melsy]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.


All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.


"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice," he says.


The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.


"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make
the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.


The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says,


"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and
Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."


Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie, Oi Oi Oi