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Post by johnnywarren on Sept 7, 2006 20:14:37 GMT 10
In memory of a very funny man.....
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies.
Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes)
Irony is that they received not one complaint. Must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
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Post by johnnywarren on Sept 7, 2006 20:35:30 GMT 10
SOCCEROO QUOTES
"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - Tim Cahill
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka.
"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." - Lucas Neill.
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - John Aloisi.
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Ned Zelic.
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Vince Grella.
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Harry Kewell.
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." - Mark Viduka.
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Craig Moore.
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Harry Kewell.
"I couldn't settle in Italy- it was like living in a foreign country." - Vince Grella.
"Germany is a very difficult team to play . . . they have 11 internationals out there." - Zeljko Kalac.
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Jason Culina.
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." - Scott Chipperfield.
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Marco Bresciano.
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Craig Moore.
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Mark Viduka.
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Harry Kewell.
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Post by Andy on Sept 7, 2006 20:46:06 GMT 10
Today is Nick Carle's 26th birthday and he will be having a meal with his team-mates tonight. However, they will have to eat with their hands as they have no silverware.
A farmer from just outside of Newcastle died and went to hell. Once there, the Devil was trying to figure out what kind of work to give him for the rest of eternity, so he decided to have him split rocks with the temperature set at about 40 celcius.Later that day, the devil came by to see how he was doing and was surprised to find him happily going about his work of splitting rocks. When asked why he was so happy, the farmer replied, "Reminds me of the time on my farm clearing the fields to plant new crops. I loved that".
The devil was upset, so he trurned up the heat another ten degrees, gave the farmer a shovel and had him clean out hell's sewage system, thinking surely that would be a terrible fate to have to spend in eternity. At the end of the day, the devil came back to check on the farmer who was smiling even more broadly at this time. When asked why he was so happy, the farmeer replied, "I love this job. It reminds me of cleaning out the cow shed on my wonderful farm".
The devil ws even angrier, but he had a plan. He sent the farmer back to the rock pile with a hammer twice as heavy as before, but turned the heat down until it was 40 degrees below zero. That would surely fix the farmer he thought.When the devil came back he was horrified to find the farmer not only smiling from ear to ear, but also singing a song, and dancing a jig. The extremely puzzled devil said "I don't understand it. I have given you three terrible jobs to do for eternity, but you are as happy as if you were in heaven. What's going on?" At this, the farmer replied, "Hell has frozen over.
Newcastle must have won the A-League!"
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Coastie
Local league player
Posts: 133
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Post by Coastie on Sept 7, 2006 22:01:16 GMT 10
Could see it coming, but still might come in useful as a wind-up one day  |
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Post by Andy on Sept 9, 2006 11:17:06 GMT 10
Wayne Rooney & Coleen are sitting in front of the television watching the
six o'clock news.
The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension
Bridge on to the busy road below.
Coleen turns to Wayne and says: "I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" to which
Wayne replies " £5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man
jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Wayne takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Coleen. But
she refuses.
"I can't take your money, Wayne," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating.
I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe," says Wayne. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating
just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news too. I just
didn't think he would do it again."
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Post by therodent on Sept 15, 2006 12:44:41 GMT 10
"If there are 3 ducks flying and a hunter shoots 1, how many are left" Little Bobby quickly raised his hand.
"There would no ducks left" He answers.
"No" The teacher says "There would be 2 ducks left. How did you come up with your answer?"
Bobby states simply "If a hunter shoots 1 duck, he's going to scare the other 2 ducks away"
She says "That's not the right answer but I like you're reasoning"
The teacher starts to move on to the next lesson but Bobby pipes up "I have a question for you. There are 3 women eating popsicles. One is licking it, one is sucking it, and one is biting it. Which one is married?"
She thinks for a few moments and responds confidently " The women that is sucking it "
" No, it's the women with the wedding ring on her finger but I like your reasoning"
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Post by therodent on Sept 15, 2006 12:45:51 GMT 10
Three Aussies and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a Rugby match in Sydney. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train.
The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.
"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie. When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
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Post by therodent on Sept 15, 2006 12:46:20 GMT 10
A middle aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look, horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size".
Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues,
"I just feel so old and ugly... can you please at least pay me one compliment?".
The husband replies.....
" Well if it's any concillation, your eyesight's f*#&ing spot on!!".
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Merrinator
Local league player
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Posts: 121
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Post by Merrinator on Sept 15, 2006 15:39:22 GMT 10
When's his funeral
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Post by johnnywarren on Sept 16, 2006 7:03:16 GMT 10
Subject: Nine men in woman's life
1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your clothes off."
2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."
3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".
4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"
6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?
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Coastie
Local league player
Posts: 133
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Post by Coastie on Sept 18, 2006 0:28:24 GMT 10
Seeing the success Melbourne's off-season imports, Nick Theodorakopoulos sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Ante Milicic and hopefully win Neewcaslte some games.
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a superstar.
The Newcastle manager flies to Baghdad to watch him. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Energy Australia Stadium.
Two weeks later Newcastle are 4-0 down to the Mariners with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The bloke is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for the Scum.
The 5 scum fans at the game are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Aussie football.
"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the media, Theo, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all whilst you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm So sorry."
"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Newcaslte in the first place!"
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Post by gotrek on Sept 18, 2006 14:29:14 GMT 10
Q. Whats the difference between a Sydney FC fan and dog crap?
A. You wouldnt kick the dog crap.
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Oct 5, 2006 22:12:37 GMT 10
A Jamaican fireman came home from work & said to his
wife, "Yo know sumtin, we have a wonderful new system
at de fire station."
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to
go.
"From now on, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to
strip naked. When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de
bed
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru
de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted:
"Bell One" and the wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three" and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four."
"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't
nowhere near de fire!"
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Post by Melsy on Oct 11, 2006 14:51:47 GMT 10
Irish Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided
that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his
wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the
smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in
a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand & Tasmania
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Oct 12, 2006 10:27:52 GMT 10
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Post by Melsy on Oct 13, 2006 14:25:51 GMT 10
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 Kgs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move toTasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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Post by Melsy on Oct 13, 2006 14:31:40 GMT 10
Three blokes -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an Australian
engineer -- are working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total,"
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! - With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Australians
can come into our precious state.
" Pooooof! - Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The Australian engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet
thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out --
it's completely impenetrable."
The Australian engineer says, "Fill it with bloody water"
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Post by Melsy on Oct 13, 2006 14:43:05 GMT 10
NRL teams vs. famous female celebraties
Melbourne Storm - Delta Goodrem. Tidy, attractive, professional and
uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you
want to yawn.
St George -Illawarra Dragons - Elle MacPherson. Past her glorious best
but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.
Souths Rabbitohs - Whitney Houston. Has not looked after herself in
recent years and has gone completely off the rails.
Sydney Roosters - Amelie Mauresmo.! Last woman on Earth scenario : you
still wouldn't.
Parramatta Eels - Katie Holmes. Has a certifiable psycho in charge of
her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times.
Wests Tigers - Britney Spears. At times can look stunning, at others it
can get ugly.
Canterbury Bulldogs- Christina Aguilera. Looks like she enjoys it rough
and dirty.
NZ Warriors - Paris Hilton. Lays down way too easily.
Canberra Raiders - Princess Diana. May be a blue blood, but hasn't done
anything for a while.
Brisbane Broncos - Madonna. Also past her glorious best, but refuses to
accept it gracefully.
Cronulla Sharks - Jenna Jamieson. Can cop a pounding and keep coming
back for more.
Penrith Panthers - Krystal from Big Brother. Has the biggest and best
assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.
North Queensland Cowboys - J-Lo. Quality all over, but especially good
down back.
Newcastle - Kylie Minogue. Very decent despite not having much up front.
Gold Coast Titans - The Olsen Twins. Not ready to go yet but shaping
quite well.
Manly Sea Eagles - Rikki Lake. Everyone used to hate her but now she is
met with little more than indifference.
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Oct 18, 2006 20:06:46 GMT 10
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem. He was unable to get his penis erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his penis. The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it
A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.
In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse
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Post by johnnywarren on Oct 23, 2006 19:47:48 GMT 10
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again .ONE, TWO, THREE.UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the fu*king bed !! "
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