Joke (Adult Content)

[LeedsMariner#4]

[johnnywarren]

A TV reporter goes up North and interviews Nick Theo and Miron Bleiberg. First of all he speaks to Nick Theo, "So Nick, what are your hopes for Newcastle this season?"

Nick replies, "Well, if we can pick up a few points here and there, hopefully we can make the semis."

Then the reporter turns to Miron, "So Miron what are your hopes for Roar this season and in the future?"

Miron replies, "Well, we'll walk the Premiership, win the pre-season and then we'll win the AFC Champions League ..."

At this point the TV reporter interrupts, "Err… Miron, don't you think you're being a bit over ambitious there?"

"Well, Nick started it!" replied Miron.

[LeedsMariner#4]

I love jokes based on reality

[Andy]

Q: What do Newcastle Jets fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How many Jets supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Jets fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a Jets fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Jets fan is a real dick

Q: What's the ideal weight for a Newcastle supporter?
A: 3 pounds...that's including the Urn.

Q: Did you hear that the Australian Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Newcastle Jets players on them - people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

[LeedsMariner#4]

[LeedsMariner#4]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000ring and showedit to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and theold man stated by check.
"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

I know", said the old man,
"but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

[Andy]

;D

[dibo (pron. "DIB-OH")]

is it too early for steve irwin jokes?

[johnnywarren]

aaah dib boh - u can take the boy from the west but not the west out of a boy

[dibo (pron. "DIB-OH")]

say what now? i'm from narara.

[Coastie]

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realise they have nothing to 'freshen up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon 'just the job' she decides and without another thought duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task complete the women continue staggering home.

Next morning the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night." "You think you've got problems," exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you, from All the Lads at the Fire Station.'

[Andy]

;D

[johnnywarren]

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Scum he would see strutting down the side of the road in their crappy old gold and blue shirts.

He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Scum walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the dingle.

However even though he was certain he missed him, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Scum."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the idiot with the door!"

[johnnywarren]

A Central Coast Mariners fan about 8 years old goes into sports shop to buy this Mariners football he as seen in the window. Anyway he doesn’t know how much it is so he asks the shop assistant behind the counter. The assistant says, “its $50 matey.”
The little boy replies, “I have only got $20 pocket money”, so the assistant says “sorry but you will have to save up then.”

So the boy thinks and says to the assistant “I will do you a deal. Blind fold me and pick any football off that shelf and I bet I can guess what football team is on the ball. If I get it right you have to give me the Central Coast Mariners ball.”

So the assistant thinks go on then he is only young. So he blind folds the little lad and he gets the ball off the shelf, puts it in front of the boys face and the boy shouts, “its perth glory!” The assistant in shock says, “How did you know that?”

The boy says, “I could hear the sound of a choir in a church praising jesus.” So the assistant says “Wow. Ok matey, let’s have another go.”
So he gets a ball from the shelf puts it in front of the boys face. The boy shouts “its Queensland!”
The assistant says, “Wow, how did you get that?” The boy says, “I could hear the roar of lions.”

The assistant in total shock says, “Right, get this one and you can have the ball and the Beckham boots.” So he gets the ball puts it in front of the boys face. The boy shouts “its Newcastle Jets.”
“Jesus! How did you get that one?” says the assistant.
The boy says, “Well, it’s going down.”

[Coastie]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the barman, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."

Paddy spins around on his stool, steps off, and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, he feels much better, takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He looks up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says:

"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?"

"Mick the barman phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Andy]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[Andy]

Two Blokes, one a Bling fan, one a Jets fan are sitting in the pub on a Friday night. In comes a dog, walks up to the Jets fan and barks twice. "Oh no, Newcastle lost again" he says. "How do you know?" asks the Bling fan. "Well, when my dog comes in and barks twice I know the Jets have lost." The other bloke is a bit sceptical but on checking the teletext finds that Newcastle had indeed been beaten..

The next week the same two blokes are sitting in the pub when the dog comes in and barks twice. "Oh no, they lost again!" On checking, another defeat this weekend. The Bling fan says "That's a pretty amazing dog you have, what does he do when Newcastle win?" The Jets fan replies "I don't know, I've only had him since January!"

[LeedsMariner#4]

[johnnywarren]

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 24 yr old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I fin ally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh ! T too.

THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that b*tch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid Barbells or anything that weighs more than a
Sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b*tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[johnnywarren]

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink
curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be
having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral
print.
The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches? "
asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are
for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies,
"But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows