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Post by dibo (pron. "DIB-OH") on Nov 1, 2006 13:59:18 GMT 10
Try this one after a few beers...
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A: A wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye, wearing blue suede shoes?
A: A honky tonky winky wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye, wearing blue suede shoes, playing a piano?
A: A plinky plonky honky tonky winky wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye, wearing blue suede shoes, playing a piano, badly?
A: A shonky plinky plonky honky tonky winky wonky donkey.
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Post by sideshow on Nov 1, 2006 15:26:02 GMT 10
hahahahahahahaha thats great
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Post by dibo (pron. "DIB-OH") on Nov 2, 2006 15:06:57 GMT 10
Subject: New York School Teacher Arrested
NEW YORK , NY - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a
morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not
identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As
the Greek philandererïos Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to
every triangle'."
When asked to comment o n the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
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Post by johnnywarren on Nov 2, 2006 15:37:27 GMT 10
lol diboh
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Post by johnnywarren on Nov 5, 2006 6:57:46 GMT 10
A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Liverpool fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back."
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Post by Melsy on Nov 9, 2006 15:11:18 GMT 10
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. ! The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her a**e.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Nov 13, 2006 17:04:21 GMT 10
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Post by Andy on Dec 7, 2006 13:30:24 GMT 10
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and
they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of
a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is
potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let
me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy
waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was
your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't
put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"
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Post by Andy on Dec 7, 2006 14:42:10 GMT 10
Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.
Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones
have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English
team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.
Q. How many poms can u fit into a mini?
A. 11 - cause theyre collapsible.
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Post by thesandman on Dec 7, 2006 23:43:24 GMT 10
LMAO!!!! Brilliant  |
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Post by Melsy on Dec 8, 2006 13:53:01 GMT 10
Double Bay Barbie: This modern day princess homemaker Barbie is
available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching
Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master's degree and double-majored,
but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mum with Ken's generous
salary. Comes with a Prozac Prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug
and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold
separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing and is often
"working late." Available at all eastern suburbs Starbucks retailers.
Northshore Barbie: This Barbie is only sold at David Jones. She
comes with an assortment of Gucci handbags, your choice of a BMW
convertible or Range Rover and a long-haired foreign lapdog named
"Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream
house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast
augmentation Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a
Porsche.
Bankstown Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm
handgun, switchblade, '78 Holden Ute with dark tinted windows, and
a meth lab kit.This model is available only after dark and can only
be purchased with cash- preferably small bills, unless you're a
cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is
in jail. Available at participating pawn shops.
Blacktown Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes
with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the
time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Bankstown Barbie's trailer. Her
ensemble includes slow-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,
strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her
Holden Ute Convertible separately and get Fly Buys points
absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at any
Big W Store.
Cronulla Barbie: This tan model comes dressed in her own Levi jeans
2Sizes too small, a "100% Aussie" T- shirt and the southern cross
tattooed on her shoulder She has a six pack of VB and comes with
Jimmy Barnes CD's. She can spit over a distance of 2 metres and
kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is
the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after their
last big fight. Comes with Barbie's Dream fibro house. Available
at K-Mart.
Central Coast Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with
a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a 2 litre bottle of Pepsi
and a Centrelink cheque. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Ford
pickup are optional. Available at Target
Byron Bay Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and
tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy
armpits, no make-up,and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not
have, want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional
kombi van, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available
all over Byron Bay and Nimbin
Surry Hills Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted
from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts.
Walks to work and hangs out at The Columbian on Oxford st. Likes to
"experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out.
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Post by honey soy on Dec 8, 2006 14:05:32 GMT 10
That's heaps funny!
Where's Scumcastle Barbie?
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Post by Melsy on Dec 13, 2006 15:27:31 GMT 10
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, She decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
"Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though ....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written....
.
.
.
"supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
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Post by greenpoleffc on Dec 13, 2006 23:37:07 GMT 10
Murphy calls on his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says "would ye be a mate Murphy and go upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezin'"
"No bother" says Murphy. He runs up the stairs to see Paddy's two 19 year old, gorgeous, twin daughters sat in their room.
"Hello girls, your dad sent me up to shag ye both"
"Feck off ya liar" one twin says.
"I'll prove it" says Murphy. He shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy".
Paddy screams "Of course yer ejit, what's the use of fecking one!!!
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Post by Melsy on Dec 14, 2006 11:57:42 GMT 10
Blonde's year in review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!!....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition....learned later, The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 Hour per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh"....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!!
> >> >What a year!!
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Post by alicia on Feb 1, 2007 14:11:54 GMT 10
Apple reported today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
The "i-boob" is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Post by Andy on Feb 10, 2007 15:16:20 GMT 10
Q) How can you tell ET is a newcastle fan?
A) Because he loooks like one
Q) Two Newcastle fans jump off a cliff, which one hits the ground first?
A) Who gives a f***?
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Feb 26, 2007 18:20:31 GMT 10
A man is out shopping when he sees a beautiful young blond girl waving at hime from across the road.
He doesn't recognose her and when she comes over and says hello he tells her that he doesn't recognise her.
She says you're the father of one of my children.
He thinks and he says OMG you're not the prostitute I had on the billaird table in the bar in Prague are you?
No she says I'm your son's teacher
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Feb 26, 2007 18:22:59 GMT 10
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
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Post by Melsy on Mar 1, 2007 14:18:03 GMT 10
Q. Two Umina girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a Umina girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Umina girl?
A. Granny.
Q. Why did the Umina girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a Umina girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What's the first question during a Umina quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Umina kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
Q. What's the difference between a Umina boy and a Umina girl?
A. The girl has a higher sperm count.
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