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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 1, 2007 16:29:25 GMT 10
whats with the umina bashing?
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Post by Melsy on Mar 2, 2007 8:23:54 GMT 10
whats with the umina bashing? Its a joke that got sent to me from a friend who lives at Umina, i did not make them up i just thought they were funny thats all. Thats why i put it in the Joke section. |
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Post by alicia on Mar 2, 2007 10:25:36 GMT 10
New QANTAS Slogan
Quickies
Available
Now in
Toilets
Ask
Staff
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Post by dibo (pron. "DIB-OH") on Mar 2, 2007 10:45:22 GMT 10
New QANTAS Slogan Quickies Available Now in Toilets Ask Staff f*** it, i just got off the plane this morning, and they didn't offer me anything other than those little cake things and some fruit juice...  |
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Post by Melsy on Mar 2, 2007 10:49:47 GMT 10
New QANTAS Slogan Quickies Available Now in Toilets Ask Staff f*** it, i just got off the plane this morning, and they didn't offer me anything other than those little cake things and some fruit juice... You have to Ask
Staff |
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Post by valentius borealis on Mar 2, 2007 21:30:16 GMT 10
An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like".
The Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays like Jimmy Hendrix.
The Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.
The Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes... The octopus fumbles about for a few minutes and the Scotsman says "What's wrong - can ye no play it?".
The octopus says "Play it? - I'm gonna f*ck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!".
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Post by Nah. on Mar 3, 2007 7:00:24 GMT 10
ha i get it.
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Post by Andy on Mar 4, 2007 13:13:32 GMT 10
West Ham TABLECLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion but tend to slip down
the table after a short time - £4:99
West Ham VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20 years action.
This 10 min video, including lots of re-runs, is a perfect gift for any
fan £9:99
West Ham BANNERS - Come complete with interchangeable slogans Eg:-
"Roeder OUT", "Redknapp OUT", "Pardew OUT" "LET ME OUT" etc.. £15:00
West Ham C0NDOMS - Come in sizes from "Little Hero" to "BIG Dowie".
Ideal for the pric*s in the Bobby Moore Stand. - £0:75p for life-times supply.
(3)
West Ham BRA - One for the ladies. This bra, in team colours, comes
with good support but no cups- £14:99
West Ham 'LADIES' TOWELS - The " Matthew Upson" sanitary towel,
complete with instructions, "In for a week, Out for a month". - £1:00
each
KEEPER'S GLOVE - A must for any fans at the back of the stand, or near
the corner flags to catch any shots the lads may have at goal. £8:99
LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for the more discerning fan. This quality
publication gives detailed directions to every 'Nationwide' League
Ground in the country. A snip at just £25:00
West Ham LIPSTICK - Ideal for kissing goodbye. (To the Premier League,
as worn by the players) £0:99p each
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 4, 2007 15:31:25 GMT 10
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 9, 2007 17:39:25 GMT 10
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering
aimlessly and close to
death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for
the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I
is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the
next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with
bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's
fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind
of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the
desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that
smeell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets
to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden,
a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to
warn Pepe with his
dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon
tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...........
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees, a Ham Bush
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Post by Andy on Mar 9, 2007 17:41:13 GMT 10
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree........... Ees..... Ees..... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush That is so bad, it's actually a bit funny. |
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Post by Andy on Mar 9, 2007 17:45:43 GMT 10
This is according to a Uni of Hertfordshire research project the greatest joke in the world.....
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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Post by Nah. on Mar 9, 2007 19:15:47 GMT 10
ha ha, i dont think thats the greatest joke in the world, but a good one nontheless
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 9, 2007 20:38:41 GMT 10
This is according to a Uni of Hertfordshire research project the greatest joke in the world..... A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“  |
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Post by Andy on Mar 12, 2007 21:16:12 GMT 10
This is according to a Uni of Hertfordshire research project the greatest joke in the world..... A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ It was written by former Woy Woy resident Spike Milligan. |
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Post by valentius borealis on Mar 12, 2007 22:37:55 GMT 10
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree........... Ees..... Ees..... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush That is so bad, it's actually a bit funny. just like the coffin joke |
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Post by Andy on Mar 17, 2007 14:27:57 GMT 10
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
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Post by Andy on Mar 17, 2007 14:29:11 GMT 10
That is so bad, it's actually a bit funny. just like the coffin joke You mean this one: A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him, faster...faster ...BUMP ... BUMP ...BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything... All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ... ...and...of...course, ...the coffin stops! |
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Post by dibo (pron. "DIB-OH") on Mar 17, 2007 15:35:25 GMT 10
reportedly from the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyer's Journal:
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 17, 2007 15:38:48 GMT 10
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