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Post by Andy on Mar 17, 2007 16:22:04 GMT 10
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 17, 2007 16:24:38 GMT 10
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 17, 2007 17:28:59 GMT 10
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 17, 2007 17:31:57 GMT 10
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 17, 2007 17:36:13 GMT 10
Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved
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Post by Andy on Mar 17, 2007 17:45:57 GMT 10
The takeover of Liverpool FC has climaxed with a late withdrawal from DIC that has left a bitter taste in the mouths of all Liverpool fans.
DIC Heads were set to takeover the club this week promising to splash out on new players and so the news comes as a sucker blow to Liverpool fans who favoured DIC and who had warmed to the idea of having the backing of DIC.
The saga ends Liverpool’s love affair with DIC whose interest in the club had meant that DIC was on the lips of every Liverpool fan for the past few months. But now they will have to do what they do best and put DIC behind them, and hope that George Gillett is the best a man can get.
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 17, 2007 17:48:00 GMT 10
The takeover of Liverpool FC has climaxed with a late withdrawal from DIC that has left a bitter taste in the mouths of all Liverpool fans. DIC Heads were set to takeover the club this week promising to splash out on new players and so the news comes as a sucker blow to Liverpool fans who favoured DIC and who had warmed to the idea of having the backing of DIC. The saga ends Liverpool’s love affair with DIC whose interest in the club had meant that DIC was on the lips of every Liverpool fan for the past few months. But now they will have to do what they do best and put DIC behind them, and hope that George Gillett is the best a man can get.  nice play on words couldnt be by a chelsea fan |
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 17, 2007 17:48:16 GMT 10
Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
A. Who gives a F**K!
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Post by Andy on Mar 17, 2007 17:49:47 GMT 10
Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?. A. Who gives a F**K! That's been used in this thread. |
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 17, 2007 17:54:06 GMT 10
Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?. A. Who gives a F**K! That's been used in this thread. Sorry post police well it is the truth the message needs to be repeated... DIC head |
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Post by Andy on Mar 17, 2007 20:22:57 GMT 10
Three Liverpool Supporters were in a pub and spotted a United fan at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the United fan and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a poof".
"Really? I didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies.
"I told him Beckham was a poof and he didn't care"!
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second Scouser walked over and tapped the United fan on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a transvestite poof"!
"Oh, Christ I wasn't aware of that, thanks".
Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Scouser said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".
The Scouser walked over to the United fan, tapped him on the shoulder and said.........
"Hey Manc I hear your David Beckham is a Liverpool Supporter!"
"Apparently so. Just as your mates said earlier"
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 17, 2007 21:44:38 GMT 10
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 17, 2007 21:47:12 GMT 10
Q: What is the difference between Everton FC and Foot And Mouth?
A: Foot And Mouth made it to Europe!!!!!!!
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 17, 2007 21:48:27 GMT 10
Q: How could you kill a Everton fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head.
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 18, 2007 7:47:17 GMT 10
Q: How could you kill a Everton fan when he's drinking? A: Slam the toilet seat on his head. ;D |
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 18, 2007 16:14:38 GMT 10
I just heard a funny nickname in the Gold Coast v Dragons NRL game
titans players name is Matt Hilder and his nickname is Waltzing
Waltzing Matt Hilder ;D
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 18, 2007 16:15:48 GMT 10
I just heard a funny nickname in the Gold Coast v Dragons NRL game titans players name is Matt Hilder and his nickname is Waltzing Waltzing Matt Hilder ;D ;D |
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 18, 2007 16:30:38 GMT 10
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really
none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom w on't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a
divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Mar 18, 2007 17:15:32 GMT 10
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom w on't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex." ;D |
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Post by Andy on Mar 18, 2007 19:28:21 GMT 10
One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little twats!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now piss off!"
Q. How do you save a scouser from drowning?
A. Take your foot of his head.
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nice play on words couldnt be by a chelsea fan