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Post by Andy on Mar 18, 2007 19:30:26 GMT 10
A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing it's teeth.
The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke it's neck with his bare hands. Another man rushed to the scene and said, "I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read 'Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!"
"No you can't write that!" replied the man.
"But why not?" said the reporter.
"Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that's why!" replied the man.
"Oh, okay then," said the reporter, "I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!"
"You can't write that either" said the man.
"Why not?" asked the reporter.
"Because I am a Liverpool fan!" replied the man.
"Oh I see," said the reporter, "How about this then, 'Scouse bastard kills family pet!"
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 18, 2007 19:44:16 GMT 10
;D
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Post by dru on Mar 29, 2007 17:51:29 GMT 10
The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, '' Iraq ''.
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Mar 29, 2007 21:03:14 GMT 10
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Apr 6, 2007 9:39:37 GMT 10
A Northern Territory farm hand
radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my
Ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".
The manager says "OK there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out
and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said
boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in he head and removed him
from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."
"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..
"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is
stuck under the right front wheel arch.....................
Boss, you there boss?"
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Post by Nah. on Apr 6, 2007 16:02:41 GMT 10
I laugh!
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Apr 6, 2007 21:16:49 GMT 10
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Apr 6, 2007 21:17:11 GMT 10
What's E.T short for?
He's only got little legs
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Apr 6, 2007 21:47:31 GMT 10
Jesus is being nailed to the cross and the disciples are below wailing and screaming. Jesus looks down and says, "Don't eat all the easter eggs, I'll be back Monday".
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Post by Andy on Apr 6, 2007 22:01:41 GMT 10
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price."  |
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Post by Foriegnmariner on Apr 7, 2007 10:28:07 GMT 10
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price." ;D |
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wok
State League player
Posts: 255
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Post by wok on Apr 9, 2007 19:13:46 GMT 10
a pony walks into a bar and asks the bar-tender for a drink.
the bar-tender asks "what's wrong with your voice?"
the pony replies "nothing, im just a little horse"
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Post by Andy on Apr 10, 2007 20:43:23 GMT 10
A CONFESSION
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
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Post by thesandman on Apr 15, 2007 0:33:06 GMT 10
Warning in advance, this one's just stupid A duck walks into a bar, and says to the bartender: "Got any bread?" Bartender replies with "Nope" So the duck asks again "Got any bread?" Same response - "Nope" "Got any bread?" "Nope" "Got any bread?" By this point the bartender is getting sick and tired of answering the same question, so he says to the duck "Listen mate, if you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your bloody beak to the bar, got it?" "Got any nails?" "Nope" "Got any bread?" |
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Post by gialloblu on Apr 15, 2007 13:21:05 GMT 10
Hungry Jacks have started a new Ben Cousins value meal
No burger or fries, just coke and ice
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Post by Andy on Apr 15, 2007 16:51:31 GMT 10
Hungry Jacks have started a new Ben Cousins value meal No burger or fries, just coke and ice ;D |
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Post by Foriegnmariner on Apr 15, 2007 19:17:54 GMT 10
Hungry Jacks have started a new Ben Cousins value meal No burger or fries, just coke and ice ;D ;D thats the best joke i've heard in a while. |
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Apr 18, 2007 14:46:09 GMT 10
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
they have set-up their
tent and are asleep.
Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see".
Tonto replies "Me see millions of stars, Kemo Sabi".
"What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute and replies
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies playing host to
billions of stars and
planets."
"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo."
"Time wise, it appears to be approximately 3:15 AM."
"Theologically, it is evident the Lord is all
powerful and as small
insignificant beings, we pale in his presence."
"Meteorologically, we are in for a clear and
beautiful day tomorrow with a
light easterly breeze in the morning."
"What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, looking at
Tonto in amazement,
then says..............
"Tonto, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Apr 18, 2007 14:47:25 GMT 10
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening
to you, that you're from Ireland. "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says,
"So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The
first guy responds,
"Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did
you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I
lived on McCleary Street
in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and 'tis a small world,
so did I! So did I!!
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St.
Mary's, of course." The
first guy
gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell
me, what year did you
graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I
graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in
the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in
1964 my own self."
About this time Vicky walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, and
shaking his head, he mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Post by Andy on Apr 18, 2007 14:51:13 GMT 10
That second was good. |
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