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Post by dibo (pron. "DIB-OH") on Apr 18, 2007 16:52:54 GMT 10
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they have set-up their tent and are asleep... i've got a lone ranger joke too - Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?" Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!" |
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Post by dibo (pron. "DIB-OH") on Apr 24, 2007 13:01:08 GMT 10
One foggy night, a Jets fan was heading south from Newcastle and a Mariners fan was driving north from Gosford. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, totalling both cars.
The Mariners fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Jets fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The Jets fan walks over to the Mariners fan and says, "Hey, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."
The Mariners fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the crash."
The Mariner pops open his boot and removes a full, undamaged bottle of rum.
He says to the Jet, "I think this is another sign- we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Jet fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the
bottle, he hands it back to the Mariner and says, "Your turn!"
The Mariners fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."
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Post by dru on Apr 24, 2007 13:08:40 GMT 10
I need to put a bottle of rum in my boot  |
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Post by T on Apr 24, 2007 16:24:14 GMT 10
I think Bourbon or Cask wine would be more effective. At least more believable
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Post by ~Floss~ on Apr 24, 2007 22:17:55 GMT 10
Did the Mariners fan end up getting done for supplying to a minor?
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kevrenor
Moderator 
Keeping the 'surrounding regions' yellow since 2004 ... Be Mariners, be Yellow, be a Marinator!
Posts: 2,130
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Post by kevrenor on Apr 24, 2007 22:27:44 GMT 10
Did the Mariners fan end up getting done for supplying to a minor? No, the magistrate was more interested in the Scum being underage and driving without a licence. |
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mortez
Local league player
Posts: 95
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Post by mortez on Apr 25, 2007 19:13:29 GMT 10
Pete the scummer met Suzanne in a nightclub.
They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the
end of the evening Suzanne invited Pete to her place, where
they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic
session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed
and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while,
Suzanne began tenderly stroking Pete's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Pete comments, "Surely you
can't be ready for more?
Suzanne replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit
nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "
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mortez
Local league player
Posts: 95
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Post by mortez on Apr 25, 2007 19:17:45 GMT 10
Little Morrie came home from school one day confused. His
mother was Jewish and his father the scumer was Black. So Johnny asks,
"Momma am I more Jewish or more Black?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll
just have to ask your father," his mother tells him. So, when his
father arrived home from work, Little Morrie asks the same
question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Black?"
"What kind of question is that? Why do you want to know if
you're more Jewish or more Black?", asks dad.
"Well, it's like this dad ...Tommy down the street wants to sell
his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to talk him down
to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the f***ing thing".
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mortez
Local league player
Posts: 95
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Post by mortez on Apr 25, 2007 19:42:01 GMT 10
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse? "A female horth”
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
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Post by brett on Apr 26, 2007 13:19:54 GMT 10
Did the Mariners fan end up getting done for supplying to a minor? No, the magistrate was more interested in the Scum being underage and driving without a licence. You're missing the point. Where did he get the car? |
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Post by ~Floss~ on Apr 26, 2007 20:43:34 GMT 10
Obviously he stole it...... but only after spending an hour trying to get the hubcaps off
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Post by MrCelery on Apr 29, 2007 11:17:08 GMT 10
Obviously he stole it...... but only after spending an hour trying to get the hubcaps off I can relate to that! Four Scummers stole the wheels off my car at Cardiff station, but we caught them when they came back to rescue their car jacks - they were too f@#king dumb to plan ahead and bring some bricks or wood with them!  True story - no joke. |
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Post by jollyroger on Apr 30, 2007 21:54:23 GMT 10
A Newcastle girl is in bed with her brother and they are going at it hammer and tong when the sister sez,
"gee, your a better root than dad" and the brother sez " yeah,, thats what mum reckons"
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Jun 17, 2007 19:11:32 GMT 10
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a holiday.
At their hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and end up taking them to their
separate rooms at the end of the evening.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain
physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! ONE, TWO, THREE..HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go?
The first whispers back "It was so embarrassing, I simply couldn't get an
erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing?
I couldn't even get on the bed!
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Jul 26, 2007 16:56:07 GMT 10
BLACK TESTICLES
A MALE PATIENT IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL, WEARING AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH AND NOSE. A YOUNG, STUDENT NURSE APPEARS TO GIVE HIM A PARTIAL SPONGE BATH.
NURSE, HE MUMBLES, FROM BEHIND THE MASK. "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?'
EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES, 'I DON'T KNOW, SIR. I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR UPPER BODY AND FEET'
HE STRUGGLES TO ASK AGAIN, 'NURSE, PLEASE CHECK. ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?'
CONCERNED THAT HE MAY ELEVATE HIS BLOOD PRESSURE AND HEART RATE FROM WORRY ABOUT HIS TESTICLES, SHE OVERCOMES HER EMBARRASSMENT AND PULLS BACK THE COVER. SHE RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS MANHOOD IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESICLES IN THE OTHER.
THEN, SHE TAKES A CLOSE LOOK AND SAYS, 'THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, SIR!'
THE MAN PULLS OF HIS OXYGEN MASK, SMILES AT HER AND SAYS, 'THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT’S WAY WONDERFUL, BUT, LISTEN VERY, VERY CLOSELY.....
ARE---MY---TEST--RESULTS---BACK?
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Post by Andy on Jul 26, 2007 17:12:53 GMT 10
;D
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Jul 26, 2007 17:15:38 GMT 10
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Post by Andy on Jul 26, 2007 17:20:21 GMT 10
CIA Test Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail." The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail." So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Jul 26, 2007 17:23:51 GMT 10
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Post by Andy on Sept 1, 2007 0:11:34 GMT 10
Q: What is the difference between Nick Carle and a mini?
A: A mini can only carry three passengers.
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