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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:03:25 GMT 10
Whered does Kylie get her kebabs from?
Jasons Donner Van
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:04:57 GMT 10
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
three stones.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you .
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe.."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:06:22 GMT 10
A man is walking through the desert. He is thirsty and close to death when he spots a man at his stall.
He begs him for some water but the man only has custard.
The man continues through the desert and he spots another stall this time selling only jam.
Confused the man continues until he spots a third man.
On the verge of death he pleads with the man for a drink but this guy only has sponge fingers to sell.
"I don't get it" the man says "One of you sells custard, one sells jam and you sell sponge fingers. That's a bit strange don't you think?"
The man looks at him and says:
"Yes Sir it is a trifle bazaar."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:06:57 GMT 10
lone ranger and tonto riding across the desert:
tonto gets off his horse, crouches down, cocks his head to the side and puts his ear to the sand,
"buffalo come" said tonto
"f***ing hell tonto" says lone ranger, looking round he cant see anything for miles
"how can you tell" says lone ranger
"sticky face" says tonto wiping the cum from his cheek
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:08:54 GMT 10
A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.
The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all.
He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:10:04 GMT 10
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now one." His agent replies "Sure! No hassle."
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:10:24 GMT 10
I wondered why the boomerang was getting bigger and bigger, then it finally hit me.
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:11:15 GMT 10
Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had £2.00 between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large sausage.
Scott said, "Are you mad? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".
They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.
Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get down on your knees and put it in your mouth ."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub , getting more and more drunk - all for free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD PUB !"
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 7, 2007 22:12:20 GMT 10
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the
undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what
they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased
young woman.
Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast.
The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast.
The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's very
private part.
Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body.
He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked
up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United
Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more
closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.
By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked,
"Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or
something?"
The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one
out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's
an arsehole under it."
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Post by Effin' and jeffin on Sept 12, 2007 23:27:15 GMT 10
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an arsehole under it." ;D |
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Sept 22, 2007 16:38:30 GMT 10
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your #rse and go as a toffee apple
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Post by LeedsMariner#4 on Oct 5, 2007 17:21:56 GMT 10
Who brings a gun to a knife fight? The Winner.
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Post by sacko on Oct 8, 2007 14:20:45 GMT 10
Q: Whats the difference between the Wallabies and a tea bag.
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by midfielder on Oct 20, 2007 0:25:14 GMT 10
A new coffin joke, heard this today and have had fun typing it out.
There’s this big mid twenties fisherman called Fred from Woy Woy who takes his little 25 HP tinnie out through the Hawkesbury head waters to about 3 K off the coast. Clear clam day six pack of long necks and bottle of bundie on board, fishing tackle at the ready.
Fred pulls his hat over his eyes drops the anchor, baits his first line looks at the Sun starting to rise, opens his first long neck, lights a cigie, and for the first time notices a low flying large cloud approaching his boat.
The cloud drifts over Fred’s boat stops and hovers, then the cloud starts to fall towards Fred’s boat and then again hovers. Suddenly a steel spiral staircase lowers itself from the cloud towards Fred’s boat stopping just short from sinking the boat, but low enough that the boat cannot move.
Fred is gamier than most and decides to go and look at what is on top of the cloud. When Fred gets to the top of the staircase it’s all misty and Fred is scared of walking on the cloud as he through he would fall thought it. Fred’s game so he carefully edges off the staircase and his great surprise does not fall through.
Fred keeps exploring then finds a huge castle. It got an enormous draw bridge for a door. There is a door bell which Fred rings expecting a giant to come through. To Fred huge surprise this little dwarf opens the door and in a high pitched voice asks Fred what he wants and how he got to the castle. Fred sees the size of the dwarf and feeling more in control now shows a little anger saying ---MATE your cloud dropped almost sunk my boat then this dirty great staircase comes falling out of the cloud almost killing me.
Well the dwarf is beside himself saying sorry for this and sorry for that. Fred accepts the dwarf apologies and says what the hell are you doing in a castle on a cloud and how does it work.
The dwarf tells Fred his life story brilliant at most things but teased because of his size. He build the cloud and the castle to escape the rat race. Fred asked for a tour of the castle and while on the tour said to the dwarf how do you keep yourself from going mad, who do you speak to.
That’s easy said the dwarf I have a pet gorilla. I’ve taught the gorilla every game known to man and he is very clever. Bull shit said Fred, no its true, says the dwarf. Fred insists on meeting the gorilla which the dwarfs permits.
The dwarf takes Fred to a dungeon there in the corner is a gorilla with a huge chain anchored to the wall wrapped around the gorilla’s neck. The gorilla takes a look at Fred pushes a button and out pops a pool table. The gorilla easily wins.
Fred says this is amazing, the dwarf warned Fred never under any circumstances touch the gorilla. Fred and the dwarf are hitting it off just fine and the dwarf asked Fred if he would mine looking after the gorilla while he went off and did some shopping. My pleasure said Fred.
Fred wonders back to the gorilla and they play every game of cards you could imagine, squash, tennis, cricket, ten pin bowling, and more pool. Every game the gorilla won easily. Fred was becoming upset and when he through the gorilla was not looking he sneaked up behind him and touched him on the shoulder.
Well you have seen nothing like it the gorilla swelled to twice his size grabbed the chain from around his neck broke it in half then pulled the chain off the wall. Fred was game but not stupid so Fred took off slamming the dungeon door behind him. The gorilla runs straight through the door. Fred hiding; the gorilla looking for Fred growing bigger all the time.
Fred saw his chance when the gorilla when upstairs and made for the draw bridge again shutting it behind him. The gorilla again ran straight through the draw bridge. Fred hiding in the mist of the cloud suddenly came to the end of the cloud. Then he spotted his boat just below so he jumped into his boat and thanked his luckily stars that the cloud had drifted. Slowly Fred drew in the anchor started the motor and head off to the closest shore which was Palm Beach. When about a kilometer off Palm Beach the gorilla spotted Fred in his boat and dived off the cloud to chase Fred.
It was close but Fred’s surfing skills did not desert him and he made it back to the beach just before the gorilla. Fred then forced a guy out of his car and headed for Sydney. When the gorilla got to the beach he was about four stories high. The gorilla picked up some people bit their heads off an through them away and started to run after Fred. Fred foot flat to the floor all over the road changing direction you name it Fred was doing it all to get away from the gorilla who was still getting bigger.
Fred got to the harbour bridge drove down the wrong side of the bridge with the gorilla in close pursuit by now three steps is all the gorilla needed to cross the bridge which by the way he bent. Down George street they go the gorilla knocking over small skyscrapers as he tries to catch Fred. Down Parramatta road they go by now the air force, police, army are all out to stop the gorilla Fred is still screaming down Paramatta road. At Lidcombe the military lay a trap for the gorilla but the gorilla squashes a tank grabs a plane from out of the air and continues the chase for Fred.
Fred reaches Parramatta and begs to be locked in the Parramatta jail the lowest and most secure cell. The gorilla kicks the entire jail away apart from Fred cell. Lifts the lid on Fred’s cell with Fred laying on the cell floor screaming in terror, the gorilla says wait for it
Tag your it
Sorry yes sorry but if you read it all at least smile.
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Post by thesandman on Oct 24, 2007 1:08:47 GMT 10
I WILL hurt you, I hope you realise that..........  (why, oh why didn't I skip straight to the punch line like I usually do? ) |
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Post by valentius borealis on Oct 24, 2007 10:04:34 GMT 10
Another coffin joke? I might have to find the one about the dog with 1000 hairs.
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Post by EGGBA on Oct 31, 2007 14:01:02 GMT 10
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi
guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss
girl with large breasts.The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds
later there is the sound of a loud slap.When the train emerges from the
tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one
speaks.The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark, and she slapped his cheek.The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy
must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old
lady and she slapped his cheek.The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must
have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and
got me instead.The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just
so I can smack the Kiwi again
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day While they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep
end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the
director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her
to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna,
I have good news and bad news.The good news is you're being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved
him. I am sorry, but he's dead.'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I
put him there to dry ........ How soon can I go
home?'
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Post by valentius borealis on Nov 25, 2007 0:55:37 GMT 10
Why did Barbie break up with Ken?
He came in another box.
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Post by midfielder on Nov 25, 2007 12:05:54 GMT 10
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says, "Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
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Post by midfielder on Dec 7, 2007 15:37:47 GMT 10
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to
do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot
quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout.
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.
The computer printed the following:-
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
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